community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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