My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
