her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
me + whiskey = a bad person
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
