i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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