Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
