I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
