I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
