you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Randomize
