Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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