i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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