we're chasing vodka with high fives
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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