Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
