I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
