we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
