Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
