I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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