Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
We have started to decorate penises.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
