you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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