you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I had to cum in my sink.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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