He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
