He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
