she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
