I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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