My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I will pee on everything he values.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
