I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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