I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
