and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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