sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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