guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
