Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
