who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
