You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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