I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
