he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
