clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Randomize
