I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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