after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
