I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
