Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
