can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
