8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i dont even know how to be here
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
