I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
