That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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