bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
