there's paper in my vomit.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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