He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Randomize
