there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Randomize
