i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
