Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
