Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
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