Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
