Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
